Conversation on the way to Rudyard's

-And this is my handy-dandy tape recorder....
-Oh, God...
-No, really, it’s good, you just have to forget that it’s even there, and then it’s great.
-What do you want? People’s conversations?
-No, I try to write stuff, and it really helps me remember ideas.
-Don’t you need a book for that? Just write it down? Yeah, a book.
-But I get all my best ideas in the car, like yeah, I’m just gonna pull off the freeway in traffic, no problem...
-Yeah, you’re like, “Pull over!”
(Laughing)
-After everyone flips you off, you’re like, “Fuck you! I have an idea!”
-“I don’t give a shit!”
Pause
-”I’ve got an idea...”

-I mean, it seems like I was a completely different person when I lived here, like it was -10 years ago, or something...
-Yeah, totally...
-I forgot how many car dealerships were out here...
-You have friends,-
-I didn’t even really have any friends-
-Like my friends, I don’t ever really talk to them anymore, even when I’m in town...it’s like we know of each other’s existence, but neither wants to do anything about it.

-Why, why is he in my life, why do we have these parallel lines in our lives; is he meant for me in the future?
-No...
-I dunno, there’s always been this weird sexual tension between us, ever since we were 14, although I’ve never slept with him.
-Why not?
-Well, when we were 17, we didn’t really do anything, we like messed around...and we didn’t have sex because the condom wouldn’t FIT!
-Awww, no, come on, brothah...
-We tried and tried-
-I’ve had that problem before-
-we’re like, what’s up with this condom shit, you know-
-Does he have a big penis?
-Uh, it might have been a fucked-up condom, but he’s very well-endowed, like huge, you know-
-Like me.
-it was just kind of...you know, (starts laughing, getting the joke) Cause like after I was hanging out with him, and hugged him, it was like, shit...I don’t know when I’m gonna see him again, and....but, at the same time, I definitely don’t feel like I’m ready for the ultimate, like having someone swallow my soul, and vice versa, but I’m not ready for it, you know. It’s just the hopeless romantic in me, I guess-
-Where should I exit?
-and I was telling that to Jason-
-Where should I exit.
-Ooohhh...
-Aren’t we going to Rudyard’s?
-Probably Shepherd?
-...let the ambulance go by...
-and I was telling that to Jason, and he was agreeing with me, how it’s like a normal human need, to want to go home to a warm body and all that, dah, duh-duh-dah...and I was telling him what everyone always tells me, why don’t you just hook up with one girl and groove with her until you meet the One, and he’s like I don’t want that; and I was like, I totally know what you mean, because-
-Yeah.
-thats means to settle, why settle when you don’t have to, what’s up with that? you know-
-Yeah, some girl gave me some advice, umm, like, never be with someone just because you’re bored, ‘cause that’ll fuck, that’s the most fucked up thing you can be in-
-but that applies to anything in life, never settle for anything, especially if you’re the hopeless romantic, like us, me and Jason...we were totally talking, so in sync, you know, and it finally made me start to...question Ian.
-What- you’re not in love with him?
-Not that, but...last night with Jason was different, because we were in person, and it was alot more intense, and we had this incredible magnetism toward each other...
-Well, it’s also because y’all see each other for just these little snippets of time, and then y’all go away again...of course it’s gonna be intense.
-I know, I know, but with Ian- it’s just I don’t feel the connection, the intensity that was so wonderful, so beautiful-
-Uh-huh, uh-huh-
-I mean, I feel that with Ian, but not the same level, it’s NOTHING compared to what I was experiencing...any time, any TIME with Jason, and I had no idea over the phone, and now when I would get off the phone, there was always that little part of me that aches-
-Yeah, that’s it-
-you know...but knowing that the time’s not right yet, but now it’s just...God, will I ever know?